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Saturday, June 18, 2011
我恨透你们，把我弄得不能停止哭泣。
Saturday, June 18, 2011
I'd really tried my best to forget, but i really can't. I dreamt of them when i sleep, recall the words when i'm awake. People who cares for me at work kept making me to recall when they ask; "What happened? You fought with your boyfriend? Your friends bully you? They left you alone? Nurse manager even want to interrogate me. Then i had SMSes even from people who usually don't message me, but it's just too late. It only makes me cry more when i read them. Yes, i'm maybe able to forgive, but i can't forget. I CAN'T... And "Sorry" to be is just an english word with no meaning now. I'm not trying be gain empathy here nor trying to make a molehill [maybe to others] to a mountain, but i really can't take it. It's just hurt me too deeply. I'm already someone who's sensitive to small matter, you can't expect me to feel okay when something like this happen. It's just more than what i can take. Please don't force me to forget because i will only remembers it more deeply. Now i only hope my parents won't see through, if not... It's just another round of tearing session. I kept asking those people in the heaven. What did i do wrong this time, why am i getting all these. One of patient told me today "Thanks for helping me, god bless you... Always~" I replied, "Always?!" Now i feel like telling that god, can you bless me by bringing me with you? Why did i get home safely...
Saturday, June 18, 2011
Friday, June 17, 2011
After so much of pleasing and pleading, i finally got the requests i want for my camp, and what i got were these!!! The thing that upset me the most: Able to be with my best of friends at camp is just fantastic. But having her/them to "forget" your presence is just.... terrible! Really... I swear! And when it don't only happen once or twice, it really hurt! And what i can do is only to find one/ two people to vent my sorrows and quietly... initiate conversations for the N numbers of times with them when i see them again. Let me tell you, each times you left for a long time without telling me, the bond and trust between us got shaken. You should know the past me will definitely show you attitude and totally ignores you for days to months. But this time, i actually initiate conversations again and again after i'm less upset. This is how much i had changed for you! Oh ya, so does this means how much you missed me like what you always says? I rarely message you that i misses you, like what you did. because i learned the lesson "to show and not only say". But at least, I showed what i meant. And this time, for sure, i know i had not disappoint or upset you. The thing that i regret most: Definitely is.... "confronting" my "youngest daughter". Never had i want to hurt her with my words. There's just nothing i can say to explain how much i regretted. And for friends who knows me will know how guilty i'll be after doing so. But it just seems no way for me to talk to her about it anymore. So i can only hope and treat as though nothing happen and continue to be nice to her. It's really not to confront her, but to get the truth. Cause at that moment, after someone gave some remarks that really hurt me, I really want to know the truth and not being accused. And because i hate to be accused, i sounded more like confronting than just to get the truth. Thing that i definitely have to speak for myself: Who on earth treat juniors whom she sees at most twice a week really like her own daughter. Okay, you maybe saying, "it's just one sided ma, we only treat you just like others seniors". But since you already address me as "mother or lao ma", I felt that i'm really recognize as one. So.. How many "mother or lao ma", who are recognize by the same way, 1) Nags at her daughters N numbers of times to rest when they're unwell despite them not listening. 2) Went to buy the tape after knowing her Lao Da needs it during trainings. 3) Teach them when she can/ able to hopefully they do well for competitions/ gradings. 4) Make requests to attend their gradings/ tournaments just to hope that she can be there for them. And got really nervous for them when it's their turns. 5) Make sure they had their meals during camp, and even call them when not together. 6) Get people to look after them on her behalf when she can't/ knowing that they won't listen. 7) Ran to get her camera which had the function to squeeze a big group in so that her QiaoEr don't have to "risk her life" to take group photos for others. 8) During Orientation Camp 2011's night walk, (a) reassured Lao Da/ QiaoEr to contact her if they don't feel well and unease at least 3 times. But what she got from them was a "irritated/ unhappy" face. Didn't show them attitude back knowing that they're just tired. (b) Repeat many times to people with her that she's worried for them alone there and wanted to go over to check on them, if situation allows. But how on earth can i do two things at a time? I had to talk to the people from other camp to solve the problem so that the night walk can faster begin. (c) Felt really angry when she knows someone actually attacked her Lao Da and worried for her. 9) Felt uneasy when her daughters complaints of headache and didn't sleep well. Knowing it, didn't want to force them to other activities. Does those people who thought she's at wrong and blaming her even know that she actually helped them to stay on the original plan but was shoot by her best of friend few times? Do they know the feeling of being sandwiched feels?! And how many times i have to climb up and down the stairs, run here and there to report to Meiqin, when my back don't even allows. And i didn't even complain to anyone. When there's nothing to do for the freshies, many times i took the initiative to entertain them. For god sake, can you please tell me what i haven't done enough to be suited for being their "mother/ Lao ma". And when i made one mistake that cause them to be upset, it's like i had failed the whole world. It's more than just a little unfair to me. But whatever it is, i will never never "cut the ties" with them, unless they wanted. What else can i do to gain that bit of respect from the juniors?! If anyone who can actually feel what i had gone through for that 3 days, i'm really really not feeling good. Be it mentally or physically, i'm really not at a good state. But i don't even give them that "you owe me a million" when they come to me. Seriously... I had been too nice to people that i think they're starting to take advantage of me. And after they scold/ insult/ disrespect/ disappoint me, i can only cry... terribly while blogging all this here. This is just hilarious when thought of. Great that they make it clear that "Alumni are not supposed to comment/ do anything". At least we won't look like bad guys when we didn't help them. However, really appreciate HuiRu, Crystal, QiuLing, Tiffany, Xuan Ying and one whom i can't remember her name for the words of acknowledgment for all my hard works. Those words really keep me going, and i will not change for the worse despite the above. Because of these 6 people, I will still be that "willing to share" seniors as long as they're willing to accept me. Not forgetting to thanks; Crystal who bought drinks for me, be the first to accompany me when i'm alone and felt for me. Meiqin for turning back to check if i'm ok alone after the first incident, and never forgets to care for how i feel. And i'm sort of, surprise when she does so because frankly speaking, we're not very very very close. Eric for staying back with me to wait for my dad. Didn't push him away this time because i really need someone to "be with me" after all those that happen. Yup... That's all, bye.
Friday, June 17, 2011
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Yours Truly
Xanthe Lin Huixian
Leo Female, 22 Staff Nurse Puzzle-lover Potato-lover Finds it difficult to start conversation with a newly-made friend aka stranger. Usual 1st impression by others: "Dao", arrogance, fierce, cool So if you're able to see the other side of me as 1st impression, lucky you! Blogging habit/ choice of words' color: Red[Extremely happy/ excitement] Pink[happy], purple[unhappy], blue/black[Upset] I want I WANT I WANT
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